SingleChristian.org

1st Corinthians 7@My Blog

2011-08-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

I've written a post over on my personal blog: 1st Corinthians 7: Singleness, Celibacy, and Choices.

Feel free to stop by and check it out.

I could have posted it here, but the vast majority of my readers follow my personal blog (KuyaKevin.com).

Maybe one of these days I'll think of some new articles specifically for this blog. But not today . . .

Boundless and "Defrauding"

2011-03-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

There's something that's been on my mind for a while. I haven't said anything about it because I don't want this blog to come across as too negative about the Boundless website.

But I keep seeing their writers reference a particular Bible verse in a way I find questionable. Here's the passage in context:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.
-1st Thessalonians 4:3-7 (emphasis mine)

This is obviously a passage about sexual purity (I use it all the time when speaking to young people). But the writers at Boundless keep saying "defrauding" (vs. 6) can also refer to leading someone on or dating someone you have no intention of marrying.

Let me first make something clear: leading someone on is not Christ-like behavior. I've been the victim of this myself and I know how painful it can be.

I'll even take things a step further: I agree with the Boundless writers' assertion that you should make some kind of decision within a year of dating/courtship (either get married or break up).

But I'm troubled by their repeated use of "defrauding" (and referencing this passage) for anything other than sexual immorality. I don't see how Paul can be referring to anything else.

Why don't they just use the "golden rule" to make their point?

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. -Matthew 7:12

Why am I bothered about this "defrauding" term when I agree with the end conclusion of the Boundless writers/editors? Well, I believe one of the most important ways to show reverence for God's word is to interpret it properly. We should not add things to the text that just aren't there, even when we have the best intentions.

Age, Singleness, and Theology

2011-03-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

I first want to recognize the obvious: Jason and I haven’t done much with his blog lately. I would apologize or promise to do more, but that’s kind of pointless. I’ve been busy teaching people how to lose fat and gain muscle over at my fitness blog. I’ve also kept busy with my personal blog (Kuya Kevin’s Blog). Both of those projects have kept me busy in terms of blogging/writing time.

But I guess we’ve also lost some of the “fire” to talk about Christian single issues. I started this blog in part as a response to what I saw as extreme views being espoused by well-known preachers and authors (see A Tale of Two Books). Now it seems some of the debate has died down, or maybe that’s just my perception.

Well, I guess I should stop rambling and get to the actual post/point:

I recently wrote a post entitled God’s Will and “The One” over on my blog. I have presented this information in some of my seminars this last month.

A couple of days ago I talked with one of my friends who attended one of these before-mentioned seminars with his fiancé. They had a pretty lively discussion afterward. She believed God had chosen them for each other, so they were talking about God’s will vs. their choice, etc.

This couple is in their early to mid-twenties, and I believe this was a huge factor in the way the young woman looked at this issue.

Before I go any further, I want to clarify something: I don’t pretend to fully understand the sovereignty of God and the free will of man. In other words, please don’t interpret what I’m saying as an “I’m-right-you’re-wrong” type mentality. I understand there are different views on how God works in our lives, including the area of finding a spouse.

But here’s my first point (one I talked to my friend about): It’s very easy to believe/teach about God “writing your love story” if you meet Mr./Ms. Dreamy and get married by your mid-twenties. This, after all, is how most Christians plan their lives to work out.

But being single longer causes one to delve deeper and ask more difficult questions. Here are just a few:

*Am I unrealistic in my expectations?
*What is my role in finding a spouse?
*What does the Bible really teach about marriage, singleness, and the “gift of celibacy?”
*Why are there so many people who want to get married but are still single? Has God “chosen” this for them?
*Should I consider marriage to a single parent or someone who was previously married (divorced/widowed)?
*Is it OK to use dating websites to meet someone?

Needless to say, I don’t have all the answers for these questions. But I have wrestled with them—much more than I never did in my early 20’s. I’m guessing others in my situation have had the same experiences.

Once again I feel the need to clarify something: I see nothing wrong with getting married in your early twenties, and I think we can learn valuable lessons from those who have.

But this leads me to my next questions: Has the conversation about Christian singleness been dominated by those who married relatively early? Do we automatically assume the best advice comes from them?

Let me try to explain a little further. Suppose a guy meets his wife in college. They marry a year or two after graduation and start their family. Good for him—college can be a great time to find a spouse. Now let’s pretend this same guy is now nearly 30 years old. One of his former college classmates, same age and still single, asks him for advice about dating, etc. What is he going to say? Well, he may start spouting out some of the overspiritualized “just wait on the one God has chosen for you” lingo.

Our 30-year-old bachelor may hear the same thing from his pastor, who also got married right out of college. Now he's in a real dilemma: he feels guilty if he does anything to look for love, since this reflects a "lack of faith."

Therein lies the problem: our bachelor heard advice which was not practical, biblical, or even relevant to his situation.

My advice to singles: Be sure you are not basing all of your theology or choices on one blog, person, or book (except for the Bible).

Get Fit in 2011

2011-01-09T03:26:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to remind any of you out there to visit my Fitness Blog for information on weight loss, gaining muscle, etc. The new year is always a great time to think about making positive changes.

New Book Idea?

2010-04-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted here in ages, but I've finally got something on my mind which fits this blog.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm an author. I've published a couple of books about relationship issues (my latest book is entitled Learning the Hard Way: True Stories of Heartbreak, Healing, and Hope.)

So far what I've written focuses more on sexual purity. But I'm considering going a slightly different route if I decide to write book number three.

I'm thinking of writing a book called The Dumb Things Christian Singles Believe or something like that. Here are some of the reasons for writing such a book:

1. It seems some of what I've read just isn't balanced (check out my post entitled A Tale of Two Books).

2. I think there are a lot of Christian singles out there who are frustrated. I believe part of the frustration is due to mixed messages from the church.

3. This blog is not a mens rights or "men going their own way" blog. Having said that, I'm getting a little weary of the oversimplified rhetoric of "men just need to get their act together."

4. This one is related to #3. I'd like to see singles encouraged to pursue marriage in a way that is not so . . . well . . . holier-than-thou.

These are just a few things going through my mind. I'm not presuming to have all the answers to these issues, but maybe I could help encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I'm not sure if this book will ever happen. Heck--I'm not even sure I could get anyone to print it (here in the Philippines or the States). I'm just thinking out loud.

Finding the Love of Your Life (Review)

2010-01-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

I just ran across a gem of a book that a friend loaned to me: Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner, by Neil Clark Warren, PhD.

Warren, a Christian Psychologist/Counselor, makes a case for taking great care in selecting a spouse--none of us would argue with that. Here are a few things he mentioned for singles to do in the mate selection process:

*Make sure you have developed a reasonable level of self-identity (know where you are going in life, etc). He argues against getting married before the mid-20's. I found this interesting considering some of the debates going around about young marriage.

*Get emotionally healthy yourself.

*Avoid premarital sex. Warren argues for abstinence because premarital sex clouds one's judgment (I've written about this before: Premarital Sex and False Intimacy).

*Look for someone who is similar to you in the most important areas (spiritually, intellectually, etc).

Those are just a few highlights. I don't have time to write a more extensive review.

This book has been around a while--it was written in the early 90's. You can buy a used copy of this book for 1 cent. That's right--1 cent. I just bought one for about two dollars to add to my library (I looked for one that was in a little better shape). It'll be waiting on me next time I visit the States.

Random Thoughts Re: Books for Christian Singles

2010-01-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Sorry that I haven't updated this blog in so long. As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been busy.

Anyway, I'd like to share something I've been thinking about a lot over the past few weeks. It has to do with Christian books and articles about singleness, dating, etc.

Consider this:

Debbie Maken apparently had a hard time meeting responsible, mature Christian men. Her conclusion: the current rise of singleness is largely due to male immaturity.

Carolyn McCulley wondered why she was still single in her late 30's. Her conclusion: singleness is a gift God chooses to give to some people--we have little choice in the matter.

If I understand it correctly, Mark Regnerus married at age 22. His conclusion: early marriage is the solution to our problems with sexual immorality.

It seems like some authors have a hard time seeing beyond their own personal experience. I guess all of us do, but special care should be used when you are writing to the masses.

What do you think?

I'm Not Dead

2009-12-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

I realize I haven't posted here in a long time. Sorry, but I've been busy with several projects.

Lately I've been juggling campus ministry, a weekly radio show, speaking gigs, and working out the final details of the second book.

I've also put considerable time and effort into my Strength, Fitness, and Weight Loss Blog. This project helps keep me motivated to stay in the gym.

Jason is alive, too--we chatted online a few days ago. But we live on other sides of the globe and haven't been able to collaborate much (which is painfully obvious by the lack of posts).

Hope you are all enjoying the holiday season. Speaking of the holidays, you may be interested in checking out some of the Christmas Devotionals on my personal blog.

Wade Burleson takes on "Quiverfull Theology"

2009-11-04T18:34:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, "Quiverfull Theology" refers to the belief that any form of contraception is a sin against God and you should simply "allow God to plan your family."

This belief has been gaining ground among some conservative evangelicals. Wade Burleson, a Southern Baptist Pastor, has done an excellent job in exposing some of the problems in Quiverfull Theology.

Here's his post:

Honoring God in a City Full of Needy Children Rather than a Quiverfull of Separatist Children: Exposing the Biblical Holes in Quiverfull Theology

Three Questions RE: "The Case for Early Marriage"

2009-08-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

Weighing in on that Christianity Today article.

Mark Regnerus recently posted an article in Christianity Today entitled The Case for Early Marriage. Albert Mohler jumped on the bandwagon and praised Regenerus' work.

While Regnerus makes some interesting points, I was shocked by this statement:

Evangelicals tend to marry slightly earlier than other Americans, but not by much. Many of them plan to marry in their mid-20s.Yet waiting for sex until then feels far too long to most of them. And I am suggesting that when people wait until their mid-to-late 20s to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex. It's battling our Creator's reproductive designs (emphasis mine).

As an advocate of sexual purity, I'm appalled. I'm equally perplexed that Mohler would choose to quote something that directly contradicts the Bible.

Consider Paul's warning against sexual immorality:

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
--1st Thessalonians 4:3-8

Apparently what God expects is "unreasonable."

There's a lot more I could say if I had time. But I'd like to contribute to this discussion by asking three simple questions:

Question 1: What if this article was written in 1890?

Regnerus noted the tendency to marry older since 1970. Well, why don't we go back 80 years--the average age of marriage for men was 26. What if a well-known Christian author/pastor said it wasn't "reasonable" to expect these young men to wait until they were married? I imagine he'd be labeled as a hedonist and never taken seriously again.

Question 2: What if we applied that same logic to divorce?

Rengerus follows the above quote with this statement: "Very few wait long for sex." In other words, since so few are abstinent, it isn't "reasonable" to expect them to be abstinent. But what about divorce? We know the divorce rate is high, even among Christians. Following this same warped logic, you'd end up with a statement like this:

"It isn't reasonable to expect two people to be faithfully committed to each other until death. The data doesn't lie: many will end up divorced."

See the problem? Making assertions based on people's behavior instead of the Scripture is a slippery slope.

Question 3: Is Anyone Thinking of the Positive Aspects of Marrying Beyond Age 25?

Speaking of divorce, there is a correlation between marital success and marrying beyond the mid-20's. Consider this data from divorcerate.org:

Those who marry at 25 and up have a significantly lower divorce rate than those who marry younger. I'm not saying we should encourage all singles to wait until they are 25, but there does seem to be some advantages to it. Marrying later does have its problems, but it may be one reason the divorce rate in America is falling.

I hope these three questions will give us some food for thought.

Stuff Christians Like: Surviving Church as a Single

2009-07-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

I really get cracked up with the Stuff Christians Like blog.

Tonight I ran across this gem:

Stuff Christians Like: Surviving Church as a Single

It made me laugh out loud. Enjoy!

Online Dating: Are Christian Leaders Too Negative?

2009-06-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

I occasionally read Boundless.org. I think they produce some good, practical articles for singles. A few days ago I noticed an article entitled Browsing for a Mate by Candice Watters. She shared her views on the pluses and minuses of using online dating services. Reading it brought this question to mind: are Christian leaders too negative about internet dating?

Before I go any further, let me say this: I believe we should encourage caution and discernment when it comes to internet dating (or any kind of dating, for that matter). I've discussed this in some of my own articles. But Watters' article seems to take a negative tone: she mentions a few advantages of online services, but it seems she put a lot more thought into the "minuses" section.

It isn't the first time I've seen this: the article on Josh Harris' website has a similar "feel" to it.

I have a great deal of respect for Candice Watters, Josh Harris, and their respective ministries. But here are my concerns:

*The before-mentioned articles seem to emphasize the negatives of online dating. I don't see much about the thousands of people who have successfully found a godly spouse online.

*Some of the disadvantages I've seen discussed are, in my opinioin, not unique to online dating. I've met plenty of men and women who compromise purity and wisdom in relationships that started through more traditional means.

*Finally, I don't get the sense that the writers really understand the plight of the "average" Christian single. Here's what I mean: the single person may find very few marriage prospects in the average church. Even larger churches may not have much in the way of singles ministry. The internet may be one of the few places a Christian single can connect with other like-minded singles.

I'm not on a campaign to get everyone to join an online dating sight. But I have several friends who are happily married as a result of online dating. I hope Christian leaders are not too negative about a legitamite means of finding a spouse.

What do you think?

Mystery Millionaire's Search for a Wife

2009-04-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a news story I ran across:

I know some of us would consider this extreme--spending 50,000$ on a matchmaker?

But another thought hit me: didn't Abraham do something quite similar to find a wife for his son? Consider this story from Genesis:

Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."
-Genesis 24:1-4

The Bible even indicates Abraham took considerable expense:

Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and left, taking with him all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim and made his way to the town of Nahor.
-Genesis 24:10

There are differences, of course in these two stories. Abraham was primarily concerned with finding a spiritually suitable partner for his son (vs. the millionaire's "b" requirements). Having said that, I wonder if the mystery millionaire's approach is more biblical than the "don't do anything, just wait on the Lord" cliches being passed around in churches.

Martin Luther and the "Marriage Mandate"

2009-04-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in a previous review, using the "theological giants" as a source of authority can be problematic.

Martin Luther, for example, is often quoted as saying fewer than "one in a thousand" men are truly suited for celibacy.

But I ran across a humorous quote from the same work, The Estate of Marriage:

To sum the matter up: whoever finds himself unsuited to the celibate life should see to it right away that he has something to do and to work at; then let him strike out in God's name and get married. A young man should marry at the age of twenty at the latest, a young woman at fifteen to eighteen; that's when they are still in good health and best suited for marriage. Let God worry about how they and their children are to be fed. God makes children; he will surely also feed them. Should he fail to exalt you and them here on earth, then take satisfaction in the fact that he has granted you a Christian marriage, and know that he will exalt you there; and be thankful to him for his gifts and favours.

Would anyone consider this sound advice on marriage in our current context--telling young women to marry at 15? I sincerely doubt it.

In fairness to Luther, it was a different time--men were finished with their education (if any) much earlier. But that's my point--we must be careful in interpreting and applying his thoughts.

Don't get me wrong--I think we can still learn much from those who have gone before us and wrestled with theological issues. But let's not forget something: even "theological giants" were only men.

Interview@the Christian Single Woman

2009-03-16T18:01:00.001-07:00

Lisa of the Christian Single Woman did an online (email) interview with me. You can read it HERE.

Singles Ministry: One Size Fits All?

2009-03-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else think we have a tendency to treat all singles the same, regardless of their age? Let me take it a step further: do churches/ministries sometimes treat all singles as if we are still in high school?

Let me give you a couple of examples. Years ago I was regularly visiting a friend's church. It was a "mega church" that had a fairly large singles ministry (I think they combined college and young singles). One day a young evangelist came. He preached and his wife sang before the whole congregation.

The singles ministry had a lunch after worship. The said evangelist had been invited to speak to us. He shared his testimony of meeting his wife and how they kept their relationship pure. To be honest, I was a little bit disappointed--I told one of my friends we had just heard the "virgin speech."

Don't get me wrong--I have nothing against talking about purity (heck, I've written a book about it). But I felt like he missed an opportunity to talk to us about something a little . . . deeper. His message was a little more fitting for a high school group. I'm pretty sure we had already made up our minds on this particular issue.

Here's another example: books. People ask me if I've read When God Writes Your Love Story. I haven't. Call me crazy, but I don't think someone who married at age 18 can give me much advice. Then there's I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I think Harris' book is OK for teenagers who are playing the typical recreational dating game and need to re-think their approach to love. But it wouldn't be my book of choice for everyone, especially young adults (age 18 and up). Other books (see the recommended reading over on the left column of this site) are much better suited for a more mature reader.

So, what do you think? Do churches/ministries sometimes try to treat high school, college, and singles (of all ages) with a "one size fits all" approach?

Related Posts:

Dating: The Accelerator and the Brake

My Top Five Christiand Books on Dating/Relationships

A Tale of Two Books

2009-03-09T01:52:00.001-07:00

I’d like to discuss two books which were instrumental in the creation of this website.

Before I begin, I want to say I have no personal issue with either author. Both of them are sisters in Christ, and both seem to be passionate about God’s Word and the kingdom.

But I have some serious questions about some of the ideas in their books. These books represent two extremes—extremes which we hope to avoid on this blog.

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?, Carolyn McCulley

Here’s the summary you’ll find on the back of her book:

Through personal anecdotes and careful examination of Scripture, Carolyn McCulley challenges single women to regard their singleness not as a burned, but as a gift from God that allows them to perform a unique role in the body of Christ.

Here are some of the problems I found with her book:

The Gift of Singleness:

McCulley dedicates a whole chapter to it (called “Esteeming the Gift”). I’m not sure exactly where this gift-of-singleness idea came from (she’s not the first to write about it), but I’m not buying it. She compares the “gift of singleness” to the spiritual gifts, claiming that God has assigned both (spiritual gifts and marital status) within the body.

I found this exegesis to be quite clumsy. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is simply giving the church advice regarding singleness vs. marriage—I see nothing in Scripture to imply we are “assigned” singleness in the same way we are assigned spiritual gifts.

Fatalism and Logic:

McCullen proceeds to tell readers they are single because of God’s divine will:

Ultimately, we are single because that’s God’s will for us right now. That’s it. It’s not because we are too old, too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, to quiet, too loud, too smart, too simple, too demanding, or too anything else. It’s not wholly because of past failures or sin tendencies . . . We are single today because God apportioned us this gift today.

This just makes no sense to me. Like it or not, everything she mentioned can (and does) affect one’s chances of finding a spouse. I’m by no means implying we have to be perfect to get married, but let’s be realistic.

McCullen presents singleness as some divine assignment—something God gives us whether we want it or not. I just don’t see this in the Scripture.

Getting Serious About Getting Married, Debbie Maken

I had high hopes for this book. I thought Debbie Maken was on to something other books had completely missed. We even emailed a time or two before I read GSAGM.

Maken did make some great points. She presented marriage as God’s fundamental design for man and woman—God’s plan for us to meet our sexual and emotional needs. Marriage, she argued, is something we can and should desire.

The Marriage Mandate

I agreed with some of Maken’s conclusions, but I think she carried them way too far. She insisted that “protracted singleness” is a sin against God. While the Bible clearly affirms marriage, it never says it is a sin to be single.

Maken often quoted Calvin and Luther to back up her points. But quoting the theological giants is a double-edged sword. They are, after all, just men—fallible men with their own peculiar ideas. Consider this quote from Martin Luther:

"Men have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and accordingly they possess intelligence. Women have narrow shoulders and broad hips. Women ought to stay at home; the way they were created indicates this, for they have broad hips and a wide fundament to sit upon."

Anyone want to write a book or sermon entitled, Men have Brains, Women have Big Butts? Not me!

Blaming Men

As I read this book, I wrote "M-B" (short for "man-bashing") in the margins of several pages. Consider a few of these quotes:

"Most of the men I observed on the dating scene were essentially boys in men's clothing."

"Of course, if you're a single woman but are not called to singleness, it's usually not your fault."

"Ultimately there are no sound reasons or legitimate excuses why men--especially Christian men--are not getting married."

"Pointing to feminists and easy sex is a convenient distraction from the real problem concerning the formation of Christian marriages” (the “real problem” being lack of male leadership).

I agree that God has given men the responsibility of pursuing wives and marriage. I also agree that God has called men to be leaders. Maken, however, seemed a little too eager to put the blame of "protracted singleness" squarely on men's shoulders. Intentionally or not, this book is very negative towards single men (especially those who are over 30 years old). I took offense—you can’t really expect me to enjoy a book in which I’m the villain.

In fairness to Maken, I hear she has toned down her rhetoric over on the Boundless website. And I do appreciate her attempt to dispel some of this “gift of singleness” nonsense. I just wish she had done so in a way that calls both men and women to do some soul-searching.

My Concluding (Random) Thoughts

So there you have it—two books and two extremes. Let me give you a few more of my thoughts:

Singleness is not a Gift

We can argue all day about the translation of 1 Corinthians 7:7, but it is unwise to build an entire doctrine on one verse of the Bible. Singleness and the problems that come with it (loneliness, sexual frustration, etc) cannot be considered a gift—especially when one looks at the Bible as a whole. I don’t even believe in the gift of celibacy, but I’ll tackle that in another post.

Singleness is not a Sin

Being single can cause us to be more vulnerable to certain sins (sexual immorality, for example). But we have to use some common sense. If we followed that way of thinking to its logical conclusion, everyone would need to get married as soon as the hormones started raging. Here’s the bottom line: the Bible never calls singleness (even “protracted singleness”) a sin, so neither should we.

Hold the Guilt, Please!

We should never make singles feel guilty for desiring marriage. Neither should we make them feel guilty for not being married. Let’s affirm marriage as a good, godly desire without heaping guilt on those who are still single.

Complex Issues Don’t Always Have Simple Answers

“It is not good for the man to be alone,” God said (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, I am concerned about the drastic increase in singleness—it seems to go against God’s natural design.

Having said that, I don’t think it is fair to blame God (McCulley) or blame men (Maken) for the situation we find ourselves in. Instead, I believe we the Church (men, women, pastors, etc) need to ask ourselves some hard questions. Maybe these are a few to consider:

There is often a shortage of single Christian men in churches—how can we more effectively reach them? Why did they leave?

How can we encourage singles to pursue marriage without making them feel like second-class citizens?

How are men and women sabotaging their chances at finding a suitable spouse? How can we guide them away from such self-destructive behaviors?

Has the Church embraced some of the negative, extreme aspects of feminism? Are we teaching women to pursue education, career, and other ambitions at the expense of marriage?

How does the Church respond to professionalism—a world in which one must usually complete college (and maybe graduate level studies) in order to succeed?

These are just a few questions worth considering.

NOTE: I know there are some strong opinions regarding these books/issues. I welcome your comments, but let’s keep things civil. Neither of these authors is my enemy—they’ve just written some things I disagree with.

Boundless: Straight Talk for Single Women

2009-03-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Here is an excellent interview from Boundless.org. Candice Watters (author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen) and friends discuss singleness, intentionality in pursuing marriage, and related topics.

This interview is featured on the first half of each mp3 file.

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/boundless/mp3/boundless058.mp3

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/boundless/mp3/boundless059.mp3

Glorifying Coincidence

2009-02-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

Many Christians meet their spouses by coincidence--they meet at time when they weren't necessarily looking for love (a college class or church event, for example).

"There are no coincidences in a Christian's life," you may argue. Fair enough, but I think you understand my point: some people find their spouse without really looking for him/her.

Such stories are inspiring, and it seems God sometimes goes "out of His way" to make sure two people get together. But here's the problem: I think we've created over-spiritualized, unrealistic expectations on how one is to meet his/her spouse.

Let's take the whole "waiting" idea. When I talk about "waiting," I'm usually referring to sexual abstinence until marriage. But it seems many Christian singles think "waiting" means you can't do anything to look for a spouse--you just . . . wait . . . and wait . . . and wait some more.

I want my readers to consider two things:

1. God is glorified in Christ-centered marriages, regardless of how the two met.   The real God-glorifying part comes in the way the husband and wife serve each other through marriage. I'm afraid we get too caught up in stories of how couples met instead of paying attention to how they handled their marriage afterwards.

2. Taking practical steps to look for a spouse does not make you less spiritual. I've already talked about this in previous articles. But the more I talk to Christian singles, the more I feel the need to repeat it. If you are of age, take advantage of every opportunity to meet Christian singles. Don't confuse being pure with being passive.

Related Articles on KuyaKevin.com:

Is it OK to Search for Love?

Singleness and the Sovereignty of God

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

2009-02-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

I always call Valentine's "Singles Awareness Day"--if you are single on V-day, you are definitely more aware of it.

I don't have any special advice for those of you who are single. If you are one of those "misery loves company" types, just keep in mind that most of the people you see celebrating probably won't be together next year.

All joking aside, I don't have any special plans for today. I've been super-busy and I refuse to do anthing except rest.

Busy, Busy!

2009-02-06T20:34:00.001-08:00

Hey guys,

Jason and I are both super-busy right now with work/ministry (just check out my speaking schedule and you'll see what I mean).

We still have posts/articles in mind, but limited time to write them. Bear with us.

Hope you have a blessed week!

DaveRamsey.com: Money Management

2009-01-31T19:32:00.001-08:00

We talk a lot about relationship issues on this website. But there's another area where a lot of young singles make big mistakes: MONEY.

I would highly recommend Dave Ramsey's website (and podcast, and books) to all of my readers. I wish I had learned and followed his principles back when I was in my 20's.

Here are some themes you'll hear on his show:
*Don't go into debt (except for a house payment).
*Live on less than what you make.
*Save money, invest wisely, and build wealth.
*Give generously.

Makes sense to me!

Seven Things No One Tells You About Marriage

2009-01-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

I ran across this article a day or two ago on Yahoo. Here are the seven things:

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
5. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.
6. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.

I've never been married, but this list makes sense to me (and it is consistent with what married couples have told me).

Why am I posting this? Well, I think some singles have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Instead of seeing it as trading one set of issues for another, some see it as a lifetime of bliss in which the relationship works effortlessly.

Please don't get me wrong--I'm not discouraging marriage. I simply want our readers to understand the work, sacrifice and committment required to make a lifetime covenant work.

To Mr. GQ

2008-12-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

Last time I addressed our female readers and talked to them about how to recognize and avoid a "schmoozer." We'd said that a schmoozer was not generally the ladies choice, but was able to operate in a measure of success because of his tenacity and relentlessness.

This time, I'd like to talk specifically to the guys...particularly those that have a natural tendency to attract the attention of the women in any group for legitimate reasons. Girls there are some things here for you, too.

First, let me say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being one of these guys. Some men, whether it be by looks, profession and financial stability, charisma, etc., simply have certain qualities (or combinations of them) which make them particularly desirable to the opposite sex. The same goes for women, but guys don't have a tendency to be so catty and jealous about such things amongst themselves. Thus, what I am about to discuss is rarely touched upon guy-to-guy.

The thing that some guys have to watch out for is an often very unconscious tendency to eat as much cake from the plate as possible at the expense of everyone else around them - both male and female.

How does this work? These magnetic personalities, often through no manipulation or game playing, simply find themselves the subject of a lot of attention from the opposite sex. The natural tendency will be for them to receive that attention and capitalize on it. The result is someone who has, for all intents and purposes, a kind of "harem" of single girls waiting and hoping for their chance at bat.

There are several problems this scenario raises, and such fellows need to be aware. If you're one of these guys, keep the following in mind:

1. These women are not a means to your end. Their heart's are often at risk and they might be investing a lot of hope in their chances with you. If you do not reciprocate like interest, do not accept their attention just because it feeds your ego. This is a natural response, but you have to be very careful, lest you be open to the charge of using them to bolster your own self-image.

2. Consider the other guys in your circle. Often, these men on the top shelf don't realize that they have more or less put many of the eligible ladies in a group on "layaway" status, effectively isolating them from other very godly and eligible young men. Again, this is a very natural response...to weigh one's options and hold them in hand until a decision has been made...but this is actually very selfish behavior.

3. God's will is one man, one woman for life. We commonly call this marriage. If your intention is not the exploration of the marriage potential between yourself and another, you frankly have no business at all opening up a romantic relationship. If you have romantic options with several different girls, you should pray about which one you should explore this with and until that time, you should follow the Biblical injunction to treat the females in your circle as "sisters, with absolute purity." If one of your romantic options happens to get snatched up by another guy in the process, that is just life.

4. Explore romantic potential with ONE girl at the time. It is not emotionally fair or of solid spiritual character to treat your dating relationships as if you were sampling a buffet line. Remember, the Kingdom of God works by one principle alone - love for your neighbor. Do your dating habits express love for your partner or love for yourself? Is this about you, what you want, and satisfying your romantic urges? Or is it about laying a foundation and giving your dating partner equal time and respect in exploring the relationship as well? Think about it.

A few words for the women on this one:

1. If you find that one of these guys is just keeping you around as one of many options, do him a favor and make his job a little easier - remove your name from his hat of contestants. You might lose your chance, but you'll keep your self-respect and make way for someone who only has eyes for you.

2. Realize that if you're one of several females smothering him with attention, he's probably going to respond to that. Don't down-talk him or criticize him for it. The fault for his reaction may lie as much with you and your behavior as it does with him. If you make yourself part of his harem, don't complain when he treats you as such.

3. Remember - you're not in a competition with the rest of the girls in your group for the guy everyone wants. You're supposed to be seeking God's face for the one best fashioned for you.

Again, there is nothing wrong with being "that guy." Its all in how you handle it. Having certain advantages in the realm of romantic attraction has is own blessings. It also comes with an incredible amount of responsibility. You'll prove your quality as an eligible man of God by the way you handle those responsibilities.

Girls - don't be the lost puppy dog following his every footstep. Neither reject or resent him as if he is at fault for being attractive to a large number of ladies. Observe his character and watch how he handles himself. If he's a godly man of integrity, place yourself in his line of sight and then wait for him to come to you. If he does, make it known...in no uncertain terms...that your not available unless he's willing to place all his other options aside until such a time as God reveals his will for the relationship.

God bless your endeavors!

Avoiding the Schmoozer

2008-12-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

Schmooze: "To talk in such a way, typically to manipulate, flatter, or impress."

This one is for our female readers. Most girls I interact with are discerning, level-headed, stable women. Yet, it never fails to amaze me how much mileage a schmoozer can get in a large group of females. For guys who feel that building friendships, taking things slowly, and creating a pressure-free environment in which to get to know the ladies, the success rate of the typical schmoozer is particularly galling.

The average schmoozer is generally not a particularly good looking guy. Neither does he have a resume of impressive accomplishments or other "attractors." What he does have is nerve, relentlessness, a measure of ego, a flattering tongue, and amazing tolerance for rejection.

Now, the schmoozer is only successful because his tenacity knows no bounds. He is not normally the guy that every girl in the group is waiting to be asked out by. The amazing thing is that not only will this guy probably land someone in short order, but it will most likely be a very decent girl. Probably someone a quality guy was working on trying to get to know in a more appropriate manner. And that guy is usually left bewildered. I have been that mystified male way more than once.

This is especially true in church settings, as the schmoozing taking place often has a certain air of "spirituality" that gives it an illusion of legitimacy. It is mind-boggling to see how effective a line like, "I've been praying about it and God has said you're supposed to go out with me," can be. I've seen very discerning girls be totally taken in by it.

Some of these successful schmoozes have resulted in long-term dating relationships and even marriage. And every onlooking male just stands open-mouthed thinking, "How in the world..."

I only have one explanation (and our female readers can feel free to offer other ideas). Females - even the most level headed, attractive ones - are particularly vulnerable to the fine art of schmoozing (and when I say "attractive," I do not limit my definition to physical attractiveness). I believe that its because the schmoozer has a way of making females feel incredibly desirable. Its part of the schmooze...the manipulative strategy of making the woman feel like she stands out in her wonderfulness, when the fact is that if she does not succumb to the schmooze, he'll be saying the same things to the next girl tomorrow.

Its important for single Christian women to avoid the schmoozer at all costs. The man who employs schmooze as a dating tactic is never a man of character or integrity, and he does not have the security or the maturity to fulfill the responsibilities of husband and father. He is not a leader and will not inspire your respect in the long run. Not to mention the fact that you'll be quite embarrassed that he was able to work his magic on you after the fact (all your girlfriends will tell you they knew later on).

How do you recognize a schmoozer? Consider the following:

1. He's asking for your number within minutes of first contact. If you respond to this, know that you're just one of his many options. Even if you're not particularly interested, he is playing you against the law of probabilities. The more numbers and contacts this guy is able to amass, the greater his chances of ensnaring some poor girl.

2. He has a way of making himself sound impressive without having much of anything to substantiate it. Ambition and ego is not a substitute for productivity and the kind of maturity that sees something significant through.

3. His tongue is nimble in the area of flattery though he doesn't even know you. The female psyche is very stimulated by this kind of smooth talk, but ask yourself - "How would this guy even know enough about me to make these kinds of assessments?" If the answer is, "He can't," then you are falling prey to a schmooze.

4. Does he seem more interested in selling himself than getting to know you? Ding-a-ling!! He's a schmoozer.

5. Do your other female friends find him slightly creepy?

6. If you're a Christian, is his "spiritual talk" natural, flowing from a passionate heart? Or is it forced and is there something about it that points more to him and his "spiritual maturity" than Jesus Christ?

I have also found that many discerning girls understand exactly what any given schmoozer is up to, but simply don't know how to respond. They are so disarmed by this character's audacity that they don't even know how to say "no" to the guy. Jesus talked about this principle when He said, "A man goes beating on his neighbor's door in the middle of the night saying, 'Give me some bread for visitors have just arrived and I have nothing to feed them.' I tell you, the man will not get up and give him bread because he is his neighbor, but because of the guy's nerve."

Schmoozers definitely have this rule of human nature pegged. I have known girls who actually thought turning down a schmoozer for a phone number request or a date would be somehow unchristian. In other words, that being selfless and kind required giving this kind of behavior a positive response. What it actually does is place the girl in an amazingly awkward position while generating an amount of positive reinforcement for the schmoozer. The charity phone number or date winds up being bad for both parties.

You can say no to his advances without being unkind: "Well, I really would need to get to know you better and establish a real friendship before something like that." If he cannot understand that and exercise a little patience and respect...schmoozer.

I know sometimes men can be a bit too shy and often lack the confidence to make their interests known in a timely manner. Ladies, please understand, it can take a lot for guys to be vulnerable enough to let you know they are romantically interested. Rejection is not just a matter of disappointment. For a man, its also a matter of dignity (do not confuse that with pride).

Don't get so impatient that you fall for the disrespectful forwardness of the schmoozer. Have some patience and discernment. A godly man is worth waiting on.

Related Post on KuyaKevin.com:

Adam and Eve; Eyes and Ears

The Two Types of Men

The Two Types of Men (Part 2)

Pray For a "Jonathan"

2008-12-25T11:33:00.000-08:00

Human beings were designed by God for deep, intimate relationships. God created us to experience that with Him and God also designed us to experience that with other people. Because this need for connection is so fundamental to our design, when it goes unmet for any real length of time, serious consequences usually result. Loneliness - over time - gives way to depression. If a human being's deprivation in this area results in radical isolation, it can even lead to mental breakdown.

Biblically, the pinnacle of our potential for relationship is found in a growing, personal connection to our Creator. But speaking from a more "earthly" standpoint, I think the Biblical evidence indicates that the pinnacle of inter-human relationship is best expressed in an exclusive, sacrificial, and utterly committed relationship between one man and one woman.

Where do I come by such a notion? In the first chapters of Genesis, we see God evaluating the situation of Adam and concluding that it was "not good for him to be alone." The remedy was not a new and different kind of creature or even another male. It was a woman. God's intention for them was to share in the gift of life with one another, to "be fruitful and multiply," and to, "fill the earth and subdue it." Eve, being taken from Adam's side, was not merely a "like creature," but, "bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh." It is only of the relationship between a male and a female that God says, "The two shall no longer be two, but one."

The male/female relationship is unique and stands alone as the strongest experience of connection and fellowship two people can have apart from their relationship to God. Therefore, it stands to reason that singles can easily feel a certain deep dissatisfaction in their experience as singles - as if something fundamental to their design as human beings is lacking.

For all kinds of reasons, the need for this specific kind of relationship may go unmet for unusually long periods in someone's life. It is important for singles to constantly remember that God knows and understands how He designed us and does not take unmet needs fundamental to our design lightly. And, as in all things, His grace provides a buffer for us when these needs go unmet.

One of these "grace buffers" is the provision of same sex friendships between two people of the same station in life, and of the same mind and heart. In scripture, we see this kind of relationship between David and king Saul's son, Jonathan. David and Jonathan were more than "best buddies." Their hearts were knit together in a unique way. They wept together; they watched out for one another. The connection was so strong that David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women." (2 Samuel 1:26)

Granted, the relationships David might have been referring to were less than exemplary. His marriage to Saul's daughter, Michal, was fraught with tension. She was domineering and treacherous, and scripture indicates that Saul gave her in marriage to David specifically because he knew she would "be a snare to him." His relationship with Bathsheba was based initially on lust and resulted in murder and God's judgment.

But don't let this distract from the greater point - that David found in Jonathan a connection and fellowship that was uncommonly deep and satisfying. I have been fortunate to have several such relationships over the course of my Christian journey, and testify to the power of these friendships in offsetting some of my own unmet God-given desires.

Let me tie this up by offering some insights into finding a Jonathan to walk through your singleness with:

1. Be intentional about finding your Jonathan. David and Jonathan were brought into one another's proximity by God's providence, but the friendship was built. If you notice someone in your life that fits the description of a Jonathan, invest heavily in the relationship.

2. Note that David only had one Jonathan. Singles often try to amass as many friends as possible, and there is nothing wrong with enriching and expanding your social circle. However, this can result in the illusion that quantity equals quality. Don't expect more than one or two Jonathan's in your life at any given time.

3. Make it a matter of prayer. In as much as you pray for a husband or wife, ask God to send a Jonathan while you wait. Be as patient in waiting for them as you are in waiting for your mate. Give God time to bring these people into your circle and give the relationship time to grow. A Jonathan is someone you can be totally vulnerable with and that kind of thing takes some building.

4. BE a Jonathan to someone else. As scripture says, "None of us lives or dies to himself alone." Your Jonathan will most likely be someone in need of a Jonathan themselves. My experience has been that I've most readily found my Jonathan in the process of becoming a Jonathan to that person.

5. Be grateful for your Jonathan. Don't look at them as a second-rate substitute for your mate or as some stand-in for your husband or wife that you can ditch as soon as God answers your prayers for a spouse. Jonathan's are gifts of God's grace and love. Don' treat them casually or cheaply.

See you soon. I'm about to go catch a movie with one of my Jonathan's (Kuya Kevin). I'm thankful to God for you, brother.

Singleness and the Mission Field: One Man’s Perspective

2008-12-19T11:59:00.000-08:00

I’d like to write about the advantages and disadvantages of being a single guy on the mission field. Much of what I say would also apply to single women, but I’m writing this from my own perspective. I’m hoping to have a post from a single female missionary and see how her thoughts compare to mine.

ADVANTAGES

Here are some of the advantages of being a single guy on the mission field:

Money

When I first went overseas, I was fully supported by my missionary agency. In other words, I didn’t have to think about money. Salary, insurance, and even housing was fully covered.

Things changed a few years later. I finished my three-year term, but I sensed God wanted me to continue my ministry in the Philippines. There was just one problem—the agency was downsizing personnel in my region. If I were to come back, I’d have to raise my own support and be an independent missionary.

Being single made this decision much easier. Let’s face it—a bachelor can live much more inexpensively than a family. From food to medical insurance, I knew I didn’t have to raise too much money to survive.

Freedom

Once I decided to become a missionary, I simply applied and went. As you can imagine, this is much more simple if you’re single. I didn’t have to consult with my spouse or wait until children finished the school year—I just packed my stuff and hopped on the plane. In other words, singleness offers a great deal of freedom for missionary service.

I live a fairly “domesticated” life—I can walk over to the mall or McDonald’s at any time. Some mission fields, however, are not like mine. I’ve had friends who lived in African mud huts or the jungles of South America. Some of these rugged lifestyles are particularly well suited for single missionaries.

Time

I’ve been able to dedicate a great deal of my time to ministry. Learning the language, for example, took a considerable amount of focused studying. I’m able to pursue virtually any ministry opportunity that the Lord gives me—scheduling is relatively easy when you don’t have a family to consider.

Travel

International travel is no joke. Take my flight from the Philippines to the States. The whole ordeal takes about 24 hours. I pass through about 5 security checkpoints, spend hours in airport lobbies, etc. I can only imagine what it would be like to bring a grumpy toddler along for the ride. Singleness does make such trips a lot easier.

DISADVANTAGES

There are, of course, disadvantages to being single on the mission field. Two come to mind.

Loneliness

Loneliness is, in my opinion, the greatest challenge faced by single missionaries. There’s a certain level of isolation that is unavoidable when you live away from your home. This is especially true when you first move. Unless you already know the language, you won’t understand any of the conversations going on around you—it is a bizarre feeling. Some find this overwhelming to the point of having to go home.

Most single missionaries (yours truly included) are able to compensate by having plenty of friends in his/her adoptive country. Regardless, it still isn’t the same as having a spouse with you—a companion on your missionary journey.

Sexual Temptation

Prostitution is rampant in every Asian country I’ve ever visited. When I went to China, prostitutes called our hotel room every time we (my friend and I) visited a new town. Thailand, Hong Kong, and the Philippines all have similar practices. American men are “targeted” since we have a reputation for being wealthy.

This is something young single men should be aware of if they are considering going overseas. Married men are not immune, but we single guys are especially vulnerable.

With this challenge in mind, I would give a bachelor the following advice if he were thinking about missions:
1. If you don’t have your act together, don’t go. If you haven’t established a pattern of self-discipline in this area, the mission field will destroy you.
2. Make sure you have a support system that will keep you accountable. I’ve benefitted from wonderful mentors and accountability partners—words can hardly express how important this has been.

So there you have it: some of my thoughts about being a single guy on the mission field.

Related Post at KuyaKevin.com:

A Man with Two Homes

Does God Provide a Spouse?

2008-12-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

The Case Against Passivity and Over-Spiritualization

The short answer, of course, is “yes.” Yes, because a godly spouse is a good thing, and “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

But here’s another crucial question: how does God provide a spouse?
Many Christian singles think “God’s provision” means they don’t have to do anything. In fact, many think searching for a spouse demonstrates a lack of faith. In short, I’m afraid we’ve confused being passive with having faith.

Why do I believe it’s OK to search for a spouse? I’ve already explained it in another article, but I’ll go a little deeper here.

Reason #1: Because passively waiting for God to provide a spouse is not in the Bible.

“What about Adam and Eve?” you may ask. Well, if I wake up naked in paradise with a missing rib, I’ll call off my search. Until then, I don’t think Adam’s scenario applies to me (or to you). There are important lessons we can learn from the story of Adam and Eve, but the way to find a spouse is not one of them.

Other Scriptures are more applicable:

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
–Proverbs 18:22

Note the word “finds.” I usually don’t find something unless I’m looking for it.

Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24)

Some may use this story to argue that God ordains and selects our spouse for us. Fine, but let’s not forget the extraordinary steps Abraham took to find a wife for his son—he sent a search team to another territory! Did Abraham not trust God to fulfill His promise of descendants (Genesis 15:5)?

Reason #2: Because one person’s experience should not be considered normative for everyone, even if he/she writes a book.

A young woman asked this question a few days ago:
“Why do some believe all you have to do is wait because God prepares someone for us?”

My Response:
“Because they’ve read too many books based on an individual’s experience instead of the Bible.”

Yes, there are people who met their spouse without even trying. But there are also many Christians who didn’t find their spouse until they decided to do some searching. Sadly, there are many others who are sitting around in frustration, waiting for God to write their love story.

Allow me to share something else I’ve noticed. I think we fail to see the practical side of some before-mentioned authors’ love stories. Here’s an example: Josh Harris wrote about finding his wife in Boy Meets Girl. It’s actually a good book which I have no problem recommending. But something stood out to me: he mentions first seeing his wife when she gave her testimony in front of their church. At the time, he was sitting with another young woman he was interested in (or sitting with her family—I don’t remember the exact details).

What does that tell me? He was in a church with reasonably large group of available single women (or at least there were enough for him to have more than one “prospect”). I know some of you are not in churches like that—you may be in that small church where the only singles are 80 year old widows. If such is the case, you have to figure out a way to expand your social circle.

There may be times when God specifically tells someone to wait and stop looking. This is God’s prerogative, and we should obey him. But unless you’ve received this specific instruction from God, it’s OK to search.

Reason #3: Because we would not apply this warped “waiting” logic to any other aspect of life.

Here are a few examples:

I trust God to meet my financial needs. But I also know I need to take practical steps, such as communicating with my ministry supporters and encouraging them to give.

In the same way, I would never question the faith of someone who went out looking for a job. I would not ask him to examine his motives to see if he really trusts God to meet his financial needs.

I believe the Holy Spirit is the One who convicts people of their need for Jesus. But I also believe I have a responsibility to share the gospel. I see no contradiction.

Would you tell your friends to stop looking for work and let God meet their financial needs? Would you tell your friends to stop sharing the gospel and just leave it up to God? I don’t think so!

Then why do we criticize those who join dating websites? Where do we get this idea that the best way to find our spouse is to stop looking? I don’t get it.

Final Thoughts:

I believe we can trust God to met all our needs. But let’s not forget our responsibility in the process. I’ll write more on this in days to come.

SingleChristian.org

2008-12-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

Within a few days this blog will "move" to SingleChristian.org. I just bought the domain today. You don't need to do anything--you'll automatically be redirected once this new domain registers.

A Couple of Articles from KuyaKevin.com

2008-12-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

I began exploring the "singleness" topic over at kuyakevin.com. I only wrote a few articles because I decided it didn't fit well with the overall theme of my blog.

So, if you are interested, you can read a couple of the articles I wrote specifically with singles in mind:

A Really Dumb Poem About "God's Plan"

Singleness and the Sovereignty of God

Both of these posts deal with over-spiritualization, which I believe is a huge problem in the way many singles approach relationships. You'll see me write more about this in the days to come.

Practical Advice for Staying Content

2008-12-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

My approach to single issues has always been a bit different. I spend a lot of my time seeking to bring singles into balance with their single life...trying to help them avoid the trap of thinking their lives aren't really significant until they find a mate.

Others are doing a great job communicating to singles the more practical issues of wisdom, building character, and preparing for godly union with the opposite sex. My burden has been somewhat different - I want to help Christian singles break free of the painful yearning that invariably leads to a deep dissatisfaction with single life. As I said last time, one need not let go of their desire and hope for marriage to enjoy a very satisfied experience as a single today. And while many singles are satisfied and productive, far too many are not.

In keeping with this, let me share some of the things that have encouraged and stabilized my single life over the years. These are not coping skills. Let me be very clear about that. At the same time, some of these tools may help break the "coping pattern," so that one can live a free, healthy, and satisfying single life right now.

1. Invest yourself in Bible study and prayer. As a single, you probably have significantly fewer distractions and responsibilities competing for your time and attention. Take advantage of that. This bit of advice often gets a big "eye roll" from singles. I cannot express how often I've realized that some of the most special times I've experienced with God are the result of His ability to call me into the place of scripture study and prayer on a moment's notice. As a married person (especially once you have children) you will likely have to make time for God. As a single, you have a surplus of time (comparatively speaking). Invest it in your relationship with God. The expansion of your soul in Christ is the number one way to develop a settled sense of deep contentment as you wait on God for your husband or wife.

2. Develop relationships. Families tend to be somewhat insular. Not isolated, but insular. I knew most of my married friends while they were still single. I would estimate that once they married, my time with them was cut by about 90%. Once they had children, it was cut by about 98%. Some of these relationships are practically "phone" or "email" only relationships today. That is just the nature of putting your family first. Many singles naively think that married life, for them, will not represent a significant encroachment upon their time or prior relationships. It probably will, and there is nothing wrong or abnormal about that. So you want to take time to really invest in your circle of friends right now. Not only will you be grateful for the time you invested in that fellowship later, but deep and open relationships will go a long, long way in keeping you emotionally healthy and balanced as a single.

3. Find ways to serve. Can we be honest for a moment? Single to single here? Much of the dissatisfaction singles experience comes from an unhealthy focus on self. Spending too much time thinking about myself and what I want that I don't have. Service to others will not only bring you closer to God, but it has a dramatic tendency to turn the heart outward. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that rational self-interest or personal desires are bad! I am saying that when we dwell too much on unfulfilled desires, it can take a toll on our emotional health. Practical service is a great way to keep our unmet hopes from being too all consuming.

Now, for a couple of tips that aren't so spiritual.

4. Get out of the house! I make it a regular habit to get out and do something, even if its by myself. Some of the best times I've had were the result of spontaneous solo ventures. Road trips. Concerts. Art galleries. Walks in the city. Coffee shops. Even restaurants. I could probably spend the rest of my life alone in a coffee shop, as long as I had some good books and an iPod. There is little more depressing than sitting alone in your house or apartment, watching TV. If this is your primary mode of existence, do not be surprised if much of your time is spent in a pattern of "wishing" for something else.

5. Invest in interests and find new ones. Do you have an interest or a hobby? Take the time to invest in it. Take that spare time to develop a talent or reach a goal. Keep your life in motion. Because I know that things can get old and tired once they are too familiar, be proactive in developing new interests. By looking into the interests of friends, combing local publications for events, and just trying different things out, I have developed numerous interests and pleasures over the last several years that have served to keep life fresh and interesting.

So, some of this might come off as just being kind of trite or consolatory. But I am telling you, if you'll take these things to heart, over time you'll find they go a long way in helping you maintain a sense of wholeness, while helping you avoid falling into patterns of yearning and dissatisfaction.

The Cool Side of Singleness

2008-12-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

"The cool side of singleness? Is there any such thing???" In my experience, there most certainly is. I actually believe it is quite readily available for all singles...but, alas, so many singles are in such a state of despair over their singleness that they cannot see it.

Being the inquisitive person I can be, I've conducted highly personal interviews with married friends over the years. Every last one of them has expressed the same sentiment: "Marriage is wonderful. I wouldn't trade it. But do not despise singleness. You give up important things with marriage that you can never get back. Consider those things deeply and make the most of them now."

I like to think of my view of marriage as being a bit on the realistic side. In my mind, marriage is not a "cure" for singleness. I am absolutely positive that it is not a cure for loneliness. The human heart can be lonely in a crowd. Marriage is a trade-off in many ways. We exchange all the problems, pains, joys, and benefits of single life, for the problems, pains, joys, and benefits of married life.

Interestingly, the apostle Paul actually tells us that married life can, in fact, be more burdensome than single life. He says, "Those who marry in this life will have trouble and I am trying to spare you this." I know someone will pounce on me here, but remember - all I did was quote Paul.

So what is my point? To say singleness is BETTER than marriage? Absolutely not!! My point is to remind singles that singleness is not "a state of waiting to find my husband or wife." Sadly, this is exactly what singleness is for so many...even Christians.

Singles should be proactive with their singleness. Singles should ask God what He would seek to accomplish through their singleness. Singleness is an unparalleled opportunity to serve God. Paul also said, "The unmarried person is completely devoted to God, while the married person is divided...part on pleasing God, part on pleasing their spouse."

For example, one friend recounted for me how precious his time with God was in the mornings before he was married. Once marriage came, there was a distraction. Then came the first child. He said, "Boy, I love my family. They are the greatest gift God has ever given me. But I also miss those precious times in the morning with God. Sometimes the responsibility of family just invades that intimacy."

Singles have such an opportunity to seek and serve God without distraction. Without competing responsibilities. If you find your mate, by all means go for it!! But don't get so lost in your dreams for a mate that today's opportunities get lost. Don't get so lost in your desire for a husband or wife that you forget altogether the advantages of your singleness.

One of my greatest burdens for singles in the Body of Christ is to see them let go of the pain and yearning that keeps them in bondage until their wedding day. It need not be that way. It need not. One can find satisfaction in Christ and His call today without necessarily giving up hope for a mate tomorrow. One can always get married tomorrow, but you don't get a "do-over" on your singleness once you've married.

The Strange Phenomenon of the "Two-Week Test"

2008-12-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

There is one phenomenon in the world of Christian singles that has always struck me as very bizarre. Well, actually, it doesn't strike me as bizarre at all...I completely understand it. What I find strange is that others don't spend much time considering it.

I call it the "Two-Week Test." It goes something like this: two people meet. Somewhere along the line, they fall deeply in love. A few months in, both begin to express to each other and to friends that "they feel God might be calling them to lay the relationship down." There is a subsequent break-up. Then, about two-weeks later, they declare that God just wanted to test them and that He has given the relationship back.

(For clarification, when I say "two-weeks," this is just a generic time frame to describe the concept of "God telling us to break up," and then "telling us to get back together" within a dramatically short period of time.)

One of two things is happening here:

1. Relationships, especially in their initial stages, can be spiritually distracting. All your attention is suddenly streamlined on this new relationship. My conviction is that this is normal and that God isn't threatened by it in the least. However, I believe that many Christians...especially new Christians...wrongly surmise that their feelings of distraction are an offense to God. They feel that this new invasion of their emotions and attentions means their dating partner has necessarily become an idol.

2. The other possibility is that two people simply were not fashioned by God for each other, and God is trying to make this clear. For instance, the female might be called to missions, while the male is called to be a pastor at home. Maybe its a simple issue of compatibility that the couple cannot see, but God can see. As a result, the Holy Spirit is asking them to wait for another person. Or, then again, maybe that romantic partner is an idol and God needs to do a more foundational work in the heart of one partner or the other (or both).

In case number one, we have a classic example of over-spiritualization. In case number two, we have some very practical reasons for breaking up. Reasons that hurt deeply in the moment, but will bear incredible fruit later.

But of one thing I am truly skeptical - this idea that God goes around arbitrarily putting couples to the test for two-week periods. I am very familiar with the example of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, but that was quite different. Abraham truly had relinquished Isaac to God - the knife was in his hand and he was about to plunge it in. Only the voice of God stopped him.

May I say that two weeks is not really enough time to truly relinquish such a matter of the heart to God. Giving something up for two weeks is not really an indication that one was willing to lay it down. I know people who give up meat for Lent longer than some of these "God ordained break-up's" last!! If God truly is asking a couple to lay their relationship down, He probably does not intend to give it back. If His intention is to give it back, the waiting period will be significantly longer than two weeks.

Closer to the truth, I think the pain of the break-up and the desire to have the relationship back is the real reason for reunion.

Here is a good way to avoid the "Two-Week Test" altogether:

Don't be presumptuous about the dating partner you're considering. Just because you love Jesus and they love Jesus does not mean they are for you, or that God's timing is right now. Spend a great deal of time in prayer before entering the relationship to begin with. I meet very few couples who gave much more than a quick "shout-out" to God before entering into a hot and heavy romance.

Keep an open heart to the voice of God before you start dating the person - be willing to hear Him, even if He confirms that this person is not the one for you. It hurts, of course. But you can save yourself a lot of pain on the back end by seeking God up front. It is the best policy, period.

I have personally never met anyone who committed their dating life to prayer (and sometimes fasting) that wound up going through the "Two-Week Test." That doesn't mean the relationship always worked. But it does mean I have never seen a prayerfully obedient Christian get caught up in the cycle of a "now-its-on-now-its-off" kind of relationship.

Patience and obedience are the keys to so many doors in the Kingdom.

The "Panic Button"

2008-12-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

I have a few female friends who made a huge mistake. They reached their late 20’s and panicked over their single status. They lowered their standards, dropped their guards, and married fools. As you can imagine, the result was a complete disaster.

I’d like to encourage women who are struggling with their single state—please don’t push the panic button!

Here are a few things I’d like you to keep in mind:

First and foremost, remember that being single is much better than being married to an unsuitable partner.   The most miserable, heartbroken people are not singles—it is those who are stuck in bad marriages (or dealing with the consequences of a failed marriage).

You can be intentional without acting foolishly or desperately. As I’ve mentioned, I see nothing wrong with taking some practical steps to look for a spouse—I encourage it. But you must always guard your heart and make wise decisions.

“Settle” for the right things. As you mature, you may realize some of your expectations for the perfect man were not realistic. “Tall, dark, and handsome,” may be replaced with “sober, sane, and employed.” There’s nothing wrong with adjusting your standards—but don’t compromise on essential qualities (such as good character).

Finally, remember there are options for those who marry after their childbearing years. Let’s be honest—a woman’s fertility begins to decline at around thirty years old.   But many beautiful families are formed through the process of adoption. Family is more about love than biological ties.

Note: I’m not encouraging young women to postpone marriage in favor of their careers. I’m just trying to encourage those who are getting frustrated in their search for a husband.

Helping Friends Through the Heartache of Break-Up

2008-11-29T07:51:00.000-08:00

At the present, a number of my friends are dealing with slow or sudden disintegration of romantic relationships. Obviously, this is a devastating place to be. Particularly since a few of these people are in their 30's or early 40's and had placed a great deal of hope and confidence in the idea that they had found "the one."

Your associations who are going through break-ups need their single friends more than ever. They don't necessarily want to be around happy dating couples or married people so much. They are in desperate need of distraction and compassionate fellowship. They are also in need of objective, godly counsel. Singles are in a great position to minister to, love, and lift up the lovelorn.

Great good can come from a break-up. Our broken hearted friends need to be reminded of these things and constantly encouraged toward them, as the natural tendency is to descend into the pain and allow it to become a point of bondage. Consider the following when dealing with friends who are in the throes of a break-up:

1. Regularly remind them that God knows and God cares. It can be very difficult for the broken hearted to keep in mind that God is very concerned about their lives, and its easy for those on the outside to assume hurting people take God's love for granted. One friend said, "I see and hear all these stories of people going through real tragedy and it makes me feel like I have no right to my pain." While I commend this person's ability to think selflessly, I don't think that his situation vs. someone else's situation is really the point. One of the things that makes God such a great Father is his inexhaustible mercy and grace. God doesn't ration His goodness. He gives freely to all His children, and He is able to show equal concern for all His people who hurt, regardless of the reasons for their pain.

2. Encourage them in the fact that their pain will not go on forever...but at the same time, avoid encouraging the expectation that God will just fix their hearts overnight. A common complaint with the broken hearted is their unmet expectation that "God's comfort" is nowhere to be found. They surmise that the comfort of God should make them numb to the heartache of break-up. Thus, if they hurt, God is not keeping His promises. To the contrary, a heart that has been wrought upon by God's grace is more tender, and therefore more susceptible to pain. Hold their hands and encourage them that time will do its work. At the same time, try to compassionately keep their expectations real - so that disappointment will not mount upon disappointment.

3. Help them understand and re-focus on what God intends for them in their pain. Even the most mature Christian can lose sight when hopes are devastated. There is great potential for spiritual growth or spiritual regression in the midst of heartache. When pain comes into play, people will tend to either cling to God for dear life or seek worldly escape. I tend toward the latter, which means that heartache is a real spiritual challenge for me. The kind of pain that flows from romantic loss can open the heart to God in a very different kind of way, if the person can hold on to God and their spiritual perspective. They can identify in a unique way with God, a bridegroom often rejected by His rightful bride. Their need can be an open door for repentance and the renewal of rusty dedications. They are learning from experiences that will help encourage and uplift others down the road. Their pain can be a springboard that launches them deeper into the heart of God. Brokenness can be a road leading to all kinds of spiritual positives. Or it can be a pathway to spiritual destruction. Lovingly monitor your heartbroken friends and urge them to find the positives, as their natural tendency will be to stall in the negatives.

4. Patience, patience, patience. People dealing with break-ups have a monumental need to talk about it. Like, all the time. All roads of conversation lead back to "the break-up." Don't grow weary with them. Let them talk it out as much as they need to. When you begin to notice the situation is coming up less and less, that is a good sign to you that they are in the early stages of "getting over it."

5. Careful with your advice. I have learned to wait until my advice is asked for, and even then I am very reluctant to say "do this" or "don't do that." When people have been devastated by heartbreak, they are not in a good position to always do the right or sensible thing. Emotion, not reason, guides their actions. I think a better option is focus on spiritual principles from the scriptures. If the spiritual principle being communicated resonates with them, it will be a much better motivation for godly and positive action on their end than our personal take on what course of action they should or should not follow.

Finally, as strange as this may sound, look for the heartbroken party to use humor in their assessment of things. Often time, such humor will be cynical. For instance, one comedian said, "You know, all my friends keep saying, 'Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' Yeah, right. Like its better to have driven off a cliff than never to have gotten behind the wheel of a car." Even if the humor is a bit on the jaded side, when someone can begin to find a bit of it in their situation, it is a good sign that their pain is not getting the better of them. But don't make the mistake I recently made: I tried to find the humor in it for the person, and wound up digging the knife in a little deeper.

Everyone is different, so not everything here will apply to everyone. But these points seem to encompass the most common issues I face in dealing with the broken hearted. I hope they prove a benefit to you as well.

Related Posts on KuyaKevin.com:

Dumped: Overcoming a Breakup

Morning after Mourning

The Skeptical Mystic

2008-11-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

In my day to day life, I answer to "Jason." I am currently a graduate student earning my Masters in Education.

My other blog, The Skeptical Mystic, focuses more on "general" issues of Christian living and knowing God. I post there approximately once a week or so.

My Role on Single Issues

I have known the founder of Single Issues, Kuya Kevin, since the early 1990's, and consider him one of my best friends. The two of us are kindred spirits. We usually come to the same conclusions, but often get there by different avenues. He asked me to be a contributing author on this blog. Single issues are sometimes complex and confusing. Don't be dismayed if the authors sometimes seem to be saying slightly different things. The way I see it, this blog is not about defining the absolutes of singleness in the Kingdom of God, but rather cutting our way through the thick underbrush.

The Call to Singleness and the Desire for Marriage

2008-11-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

As a 37 year old "never married," the thought crosses my mind more and more frequently - has God ordained singleness for me? Because the possibility definitely exists, I am provoked to ponder the consequences and ramifications on an increasingly regular basis.

In all honesty, it is really a question that all single servants of Jesus Christ need to ask themselves at some point, young or old. There is always the possibility that God's calling on one's life will be enhanced by lifelong singleness. In some instances, the call of God is so radical that lifelong singleness may even be required (see the apostle Paul).

I am not sure that "singleness" is a calling, in and of itself. I am certain, however, that sometimes God's calling includes His request that we remain single (the nature of some work or mission requiring singleness if it is to be maximally effective).

Because the possibility of lifelong (or even long term) singleness seems to be such a devastating thought to so many Christians, we've developed a certain way of thinking about the issue. We have come up with a "solution" to the problem...one that has been widely circulated around the church. It sounds something like this: "If God has ordained singleness for me, the desire for marriage will disappear."

Now, it is not my goal to jerk the rug out from underneath anyone's feet. At the same time, what we must also acknowledge is that this assumption has no Biblical basis. Am I saying that God never tempers that desire in such circumstances? No, I am not. What I am saying is that since we have no Biblical basis for it, it is not safe to make our decisions concerning life altering matters like marriage on speculative notions such as these.

The life of the apostle Paul was one of self-denial and sacrifice. It is clear from his letters that he felt the weight of those sacrifices. In 2 Corinthians Ch. 1, Paul confirms that his sufferings and hardships were sometimes so difficult that they caused him to "despair of life." In speaking of his own romantic life, Paul said, "Do we not have a right to take a believing wife along with us, as the other apostles do? But we did not use this right. On the contrary, we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ." (1 Corinthians 9:5-12).

Paul obviously did not think "taking a wife" was a hindrance to the ministry of certain others. He also confirmed that he would have been within his rights to marry. Yet, there was his calling to the gospel that he was determined not to "hinder" by exercising his rights. Nowhere do we ever find that Paul had simply lost the desire to have a mate.

When God calls, we normally accept that His cross will require some painful sacrifices. The forsaking of some dream, or maybe saying goodbye to friends and family. We expect to feel the cross pressing us in those areas. I'm not sure quite where we came by the idea that singleness was somehow different.

I believe that if God's calling results in His asking us to lay down marriage, it will be a painful obedience. However, I also believe that such sacrifice brings a power, a gifting, a vision, and a joy commensurate with the price being paid. When Paul said, "We despaired of life," he also said, "This happened that we might rely on God and not ourselves...on Him we have set our hope." The same Paul who laid down all rights to his life, including the right to marry, knew God more intimately and was used of God more powerfully than perhaps any other human being that has ever lived.

And what was Paul's joy and boast at the close of his life? "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness." (2 Timothy 4:7-8) In other words, Paul faced death without a single regret. He looked forward into eternity with full assurance that he'd paid every price to remain obedient, with full confidence that his, "light and momentary afflictions were achieving an eternal glory that far outweighed them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17)

If you are considering God's will for your life in regard to marriage, may I urge you not to rely on platitudes and assumptions that have little or no Biblical basis. Rather, listen to the Spirit of God and what He is saying to you. If God's calling is unusually sacrificial in nature, be obedient and trust that He is able to repay you infinitely more than you have given up for His name.

Remember the apostles who said, "Lord, we have left everything to follow you." Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age...an in the age to come, eternal life."

Paul wrote of his desperate afflictions for Christ's sake in scripture 2,000 years ago. What do you suppose he is saying now? Is he saying, "Don't throw away your selfish opportunities!! You only have one life to live...make sure to do everything that is in your heart!!" Or do you think he's saying, "Its more glorious than I could have ever imagined. Do all that is in God's heart without fear of loss or regret. He is worth more than a thousand husbands or a thousand wives."

Is it not on the latter that we have placed all our hopes? Trust in God!

Thoughts for Future Articles/Posts

2008-11-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

Here are a few things I plan to write about once I have time:

Guilt-Mongering

I think some misguided pastors and authors have made singles feel guilty. Some make us feel guilty for wanting to get married. Others make us (especially the men) feel guilty because we are not yet married. I think there's a desperate need for us to get back to the Bible and common sense.

Singleness and the Mission Field

I'd like to talk about the advantages and disadvantages of being a single missionary. The issues are different for men and women, so one or two single female missionaries may contribute.

The "Gift of Celibacy"

I hear this phrase used all the time, but is it even biblical? What I've read in books and heard in many sermons just doesn't match what I see in the Scriptures.

These are topics which are perhaps a bit too "heavy" for my blog (kuyakevin.com).

Dating: The Accelerator and the Brake

2008-10-15T18:13:00.001-07:00

There's something I've noticed after six years of college ministry: when it comes to romance, young professionals (those who have graduated college) need different advice than teenagers.

I often used the analogy of an accelerator and a brake. I'll explain.

I'm constantly trying to put the "brakes" on teenagers. Seems they are eager to jump into relationships without considering the long-term consequences (see also: what is the right age for a relationship?). I encourage them to slow down and think about their decisions.

On the other hand, I encourage young professionals to use the "accelerator"--to takes some practical steps in finding a spouse . Once you've graduated college, it is easy to get into a rut: work, eat, sleep, and never meet anyone new. I've met plenty of singles who haven't been on a date in over a year.

Ironically, both groups resist the needed adjustment. Teenagers insist that these temporary, immature relationships give them experience and inspiration. Young professionals insist they are too busy to have a social life.

What do you think? Is it time for you to use the accelerator?

Note:
I apologize to those of you whose comments have been deleted. I have moved this blog around and lost some of the comments in the process (long story).

Kevin

2008-10-05T07:57:00.001-07:00

My name is Kevin. I’m a missionary living in Manila, Philippines.

My other blog (KuyaKevin.com) focuses more on purity, devotional thoughts, and life in general. I post there several times a week. I also have a blog about strength, fitness, and weight loss.

Who is this blog for?

This blog is primarily for Christian singles--those who are old enough to consider marriage. Anyone is welcome to read, of course, but we will be discussing issues related to this specific group.

Why am I creating this blog? A few reasons:

*I’m not completely satisfied with some of what I’ve read from other writers, pastors, and theologians. I see a great deal of over-spiritualization, non-biblical extremes, and guilt mongering (and in some cases, a combination of all three).

*I’d like to make my own humble contribution to the discussion of life as a single Christian. Since I am single and in my mid-30’s, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned on my journey. I want to talk honestly about both the hardships and benefits of single life.

*I also hope to encourage those who are, like me, still hoping to marry. Young adults face different relationship issues, for example, than teenagers (especially young teenagers).

*I want to offer biblical truth, thoughtful exhortation, and no-nonsense advice.