Before I go any further, let me say this: I believe we should encourage caution and discernment when it comes to internet dating (or any kind of dating, for that matter). I've discussed this in some of my own articles. But Watters' article seems to take a negative tone: she mentions a few advantages of online services, but it seems she put a lot more thought into the "minuses" section.
It isn't the first time I've seen this: the article on Josh Harris' website has a similar "feel" to it.
I have a great deal of respect for Candice Watters, Josh Harris, and their respective ministries. But here are my concerns:
*The before-mentioned articles seem to emphasize the negatives of online dating. I don't see much about the thousands of people who have successfully found a godly spouse online.
*Some of the disadvantages I've seen discussed are, in my opinioin, not unique to online dating. I've met plenty of men and women who compromise purity and wisdom in relationships that started through more traditional means.
*Finally, I don't get the sense that the writers really understand the plight of the "average" Christian single. Here's what I mean: the single person may find very few marriage prospects in the average church. Even larger churches may not have much in the way of singles ministry. The internet may be one of the few places a Christian single can connect with other like-minded singles.
I'm not on a campaign to get everyone to join an online dating sight. But I have several friends who are happily married as a result of online dating. I hope Christian leaders are not too negative about a legitamite means of finding a spouse.
What do you think?
10 comments:
Thanks to internet! hoping to find a godly spouse but most of the times, web searching makes us(girls)feel like cheap women :(
Hi Lorille,
Sorry you feel that way. But I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of looking for love online.
Not into online dating. it's a no-no for me. just my opinion.
I understand Lorille.
The thing with online dating is that, you never know if the other person on the side of the internet is being truthful. It's almost the same as long distance relationships.
You base what you're feeling and friendship towards this other person on words typed or said online. It's a big risk BUT some do get the 'real' deal but not all.
I know people who got met their spouse on a christian message board. Like you said, there are about the same risks that you have if you are dating someone from your hometown. Wisdom and discernment should be used in both scenarios.
I would like to hear about more successful relationship where the folks met online.
I think we are forgetting a huge component here, which is frankly, judging between genuine character or simply portraying a mask of what the other person thinks is being expected of them. Deception is definitely something that transcends the internet, face to face, and even set up scenarios. Relationships all involve some level of risk.
That said, it is easy to think that the internet raises the level of risk because it's not face to face interaction. But meeting someone face to face gives a person no guarantee that you're actually getting to know them for who they really are as a person.
There are lots of contradictory social attitudes and practices in church regarding this issue. Many times singles who admit they are using an online approach in dating are simply seen as being "desperate" or reckless in their choices mate finding, and yet, if you do not use such approaches, instead prayerfullyand taking initiative regarding marriage when appropriate, you're seen as being too "spiritual". I think the problem is one of applying balance and liberty. Not everyone is going to meet their spouse and get married. Not everyone is going to meet their spouse the same way. The most dangerous thing Christians can do to each other in this arena is to think that what worked for them is suddenly "THE WAY" for everyone else to meet and conduct their relationship.
Sadly, it seems as if Christians who haven't been single for a long period time or got married young somehow are qualified to counsel other people on how to find a mate. Grace is definitely needed here.
LadyElaine,
You bring up some excellent points here.
I especially like your last point--it seems those who find a spouse at a young age are considered the "experts." I'm not sure where we get this idea from.
I don't think the original article was overly negative about online dating - it correctly identified its limitations and seeks to manage people's expectations. Personally, I've never been able to get to know someone via the internet. I'm not knocking it totally though -- as Kevin correctly points out - Christians need all the help/avenues they can get. An yes, it's great that some people have found their spouses "online".
Where Kevin I think is spot on is in sensing the less than ideal Christian leadership regarding singles. Lots of warnings/sermonising, not a great deal of practical and thoughtful help. In the original article, we get a big dollop of thoughtful cautions and advice about online dating, but not the same level of conviction and inspiration when it comes to possible solutions/alternatives to the deficiencies highlighted.
There's this counseling show on a radio station and one time, they got a call from a brother of a woman who was, at the time, in a long distance relationship.
She met the guy online and the counseling Pastor didn't say much. He just said, 'his sister is stupid' for dating online.
I thought that was really harsh and judgmental of the minister, he doesn't even know the woman and not much info. was divulged in that short counseling time.
I think both online and offline dating have same risk, both could work or not work. And we all need to be careful who we see whether on the internet or offline.
I don't particularly give a hoot (insert stronger word later) what Josh Harris thinks. He married really young--to young to really know what's out there or be injured by it. I still DOUBLE DOG DARE him to read my blog. There is nothing at all wrong with seeking a mate. In fact, if they want to return to olden times, that's what people did when the time was right. I haven't been happy with the results of online dating for myself because I am much more charming in person. When you meet someone from online it seems they may not always be polite out of concern for you as a sister in Christ since they are ONLY looking for the ONE.
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