I’d like to discuss two books which were instrumental in the creation of this website. 

Before I begin, I want to say I have no personal issue with either author.  Both of them are sisters in Christ, and both seem to be passionate about God’s Word and the kingdom. 

But I have some serious questions about some of the ideas in their books.  These books represent two extremes—extremes which we hope to avoid on this blog.

Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?, Carolyn McCulley

Here’s the summary you’ll find on the back of her book:

Through personal anecdotes and careful examination of Scripture, Carolyn McCulley challenges single women to regard their singleness not as a burned, but as a gift from God that allows them to perform a unique role in the body of Christ.

Here are some of the problems I found with her book:

The Gift of Singleness:

McCulley dedicates a whole chapter to it (called “Esteeming the Gift”).   I’m not sure exactly where this gift-of-singleness idea came from (she’s not the first to write about it), but I’m not buying it.   She compares the “gift of singleness” to the spiritual gifts, claiming that God has assigned both (spiritual gifts and marital status) within the body.

I found this exegesis to be quite clumsy.  In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is simply giving the church advice regarding singleness vs. marriage—I see nothing in Scripture to imply we are “assigned” singleness in the same way we are assigned spiritual gifts.

Fatalism and Logic:

McCullen proceeds to tell readers they are single because of God’s divine will:

Ultimately, we are single because that’s God’s will for us right now.  That’s it.  It’s not because we are too old, too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, to quiet, too loud, too smart, too simple, too demanding, or too anything else.  It’s not wholly because of past failures or sin tendencies . . . We are single today because God apportioned us this gift today.

This just makes no sense to me.  Like it or not, everything she mentioned can (and does) affect one’s chances of finding a spouse.  I’m by no means implying we have to be perfect to get married, but let’s be realistic.  

McCullen presents singleness as some divine assignment—something God gives us whether we want it or not.  I just don’t see this in the Scripture.

Getting Serious About Getting Married,  Debbie Maken

I had high hopes for this book.  I thought Debbie Maken was on to something other books had completely missed.  We even emailed a time or two before I read GSAGM. 

Maken did make some great points.  She presented marriage as God’s fundamental design for man and woman—God’s plan for us to meet our sexual and emotional needs.  Marriage, she argued, is something we can and should desire.

The Marriage Mandate

I agreed with some of Maken’s conclusions, but I think she carried them way too far.  She insisted that “protracted singleness” is a sin against God.  While the Bible clearly affirms marriage, it never says it is a sin to be single. 

Maken often quoted Calvin and Luther to back up her points.  But quoting the theological giants is a double-edged sword.  They are, after all, just men—fallible men with their own peculiar ideas. Consider this quote from Martin Luther:

"Men have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and accordingly they possess intelligence. Women have narrow shoulders and broad hips. Women ought to stay at home; the way they were created indicates this, for they have broad hips and a wide fundament to sit upon."

Anyone want to write a book or sermon entitled,  Men have Brains, Women have Big Butts? Not me!

Blaming Men

As I read this book, I wrote "M-B" (short for "man-bashing") in the margins of several pages. Consider a few of these quotes:

"Most of the men I observed on the dating scene were essentially boys in men's clothing."

"Of course, if you're a single woman but are not called to singleness, it's usually not your fault."

"Ultimately there are no sound reasons or legitimate excuses why men--especially Christian men--are not getting married."

"Pointing to feminists and easy sex is a convenient distraction from the real problem concerning the formation of Christian marriages”  (the “real problem” being lack of male leadership).

I agree that God has given men the responsibility of pursuing wives and marriage. I also agree that God has called men to be leaders. Maken, however, seemed a little too eager to put the blame of "protracted singleness" squarely on men's shoulders. Intentionally or not, this book is very negative towards single men (especially those who are over 30 years old).  I took offense—you can’t really expect me to enjoy a book in which I’m the villain. 

In fairness to Maken, I hear she has toned down her rhetoric over on the Boundless website.  And I do appreciate her attempt to dispel some of this “gift of singleness” nonsense.  I just wish she had done so in a way that calls both men and women to do some soul-searching.

My Concluding (Random) Thoughts

So there you have it—two books and two extremes.  Let me give you a few more of my thoughts:

Singleness is not a Gift

We can argue all day about the translation of 1 Corinthians 7:7, but it is unwise to build an entire doctrine on one verse of the Bible.  Singleness and the problems that come with it (loneliness, sexual frustration, etc) cannot be considered a gift—especially when one looks at the Bible as a whole.  I don’t even believe in the gift of celibacy, but I’ll tackle that in another post. 

Singleness is not a Sin

Being single can cause us to be more vulnerable to certain sins (sexual immorality, for example).  But we have to use some common sense.  If we followed that way of thinking to its logical conclusion, everyone would need to get married as soon as the hormones started raging.  Here’s the bottom line:  the Bible never calls singleness (even “protracted singleness”) a sin, so neither should we. 

Hold the Guilt, Please!

We should never make singles feel guilty for desiring marriage.   Neither should we make them feel guilty for not being married.    Let’s affirm marriage as a good, godly desire without heaping guilt on those who are still single.

Complex Issues Don’t Always Have Simple Answers

“It is not good for the man to be alone,” God said (Genesis 2:18).  Therefore, I am concerned about the drastic increase in singleness—it seems to go against God’s natural design. 

Having said that, I don’t think it is fair to blame God (McCulley) or blame men (Maken) for the situation we find ourselves in.  Instead, I believe we the Church (men, women, pastors, etc) need to ask ourselves some hard questions.  Maybe these are a few to consider:

There is often a shortage of single Christian men in churches—how can we more effectively reach them?  Why did they leave?

How can we encourage singles to pursue marriage without making them feel like second-class citizens?  

How are men and women sabotaging their chances at finding a suitable spouse?  How can we guide them away from such self-destructive behaviors?

Has the Church embraced some of the negative, extreme aspects of feminism?  Are we teaching women to pursue education, career, and other ambitions at the expense of marriage? 

How does the Church respond to professionalism—a world in which one must usually complete college (and maybe graduate level studies) in order to succeed?

These are just a few questions worth considering.

NOTE:  I know there are some strong opinions regarding these books/issues.  I welcome your comments, but let’s keep things civil.  Neither of these authors is my enemy—they’ve just written some things I disagree with.