The Case Against Passivity and Over-Spiritualization

The short answer, of course, is “yes.”  Yes, because a godly spouse is a good thing, and “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

But here’s another crucial question: how does God provide a spouse? 
Many Christian singles think “God’s provision” means they don’t have to do anything.  In fact, many think searching for a spouse demonstrates a lack of faith.  In short, I’m afraid we’ve confused being passive with having faith.  

Why do I believe it’s OK to search for a spouse? I’ve already explained it in another article, but I’ll go a little deeper here.

Reason #1: Because passively waiting for God to provide a spouse is not in the Bible.

“What about Adam and Eve?” you may ask.  Well, if I wake up naked in paradise with a missing rib, I’ll call off my search.  Until then, I don’t think Adam’s scenario applies to me (or to you).  There are important lessons we can learn from the story of Adam and Eve, but the way to find a spouse is not one of them.

Other Scriptures are more applicable:


He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. 
–Proverbs 18:22

Note the word “finds.” I usually don’t find something unless I’m looking for it.

Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24)

Some may use this story to argue that God ordains and selects our spouse for us.  Fine, but let’s not forget the extraordinary steps Abraham took to find a wife for his son—he sent a search team to another territory!  Did Abraham not trust God to fulfill His promise of descendants (Genesis 15:5)?

Reason #2: Because one person’s experience should not be considered normative for everyone, even if he/she writes a book.

A young woman asked this question a few days ago:
“Why do some believe all you have to do is wait because God prepares someone for us?”

My Response:
“Because they’ve read too many books based on an individual’s experience instead of the Bible.”

Yes, there are people who met their spouse without even trying.  But there are also many Christians who didn’t find their spouse until they decided to do some searching.  Sadly, there are many others who are sitting around in frustration, waiting for God to write their love story.

Allow me to share something else I’ve noticed.  I think we fail to see the practical side of some before-mentioned authors’ love stories.  Here’s an example: Josh Harris wrote about finding his wife in Boy Meets Girl.  It’s actually a good book which I have no problem recommending.  But something stood out to me: he mentions first seeing his wife when she gave her testimony in front of their church.  At the time, he was sitting with another young woman he was interested in (or sitting with her family—I don’t remember the exact details). 

What does that tell me?  He was in a church with reasonably large group of available single women (or at least there were enough for him to have more than one “prospect”).  I know some of you are not in churches like that—you may be in that small church where the only singles are 80 year old widows.  If such is the case, you have to figure out a way to expand your social circle.

There may be times when God specifically tells someone to wait and stop looking.  This is God’s prerogative, and we should obey him.  But unless you’ve received this specific instruction from God, it’s OK to search.


Reason #3: Because we would not apply this warped “waiting” logic to any other aspect of life.

Here are a few examples:

I trust God to meet my financial needs.  But I also know I need to take practical steps, such as communicating with my ministry supporters and encouraging them to give.  

In the same way, I would never question the faith of someone who went out looking for a job.  I would not ask him to examine his motives to see if he really trusts God to meet his financial needs.

I believe the Holy Spirit is the One who convicts people of their need for Jesus.  But I also believe I have a responsibility to share the gospel.  I see no contradiction.

Would you tell your friends to stop looking for work and let God meet their financial needs? Would you tell your friends to stop sharing the gospel and just leave it up to God? I don’t think so!

Then why do we criticize those who join dating websites?  Where do we get this idea that the best way to find our spouse is to stop looking?  I don’t get it.

Final Thoughts:

I believe we can trust God to met all our needs.  But let’s not forget our responsibility in the process.  I’ll write more on this in days to come.